Posted by: carbonara | November 2, 2010

Werewolves in terror at proliferation of fatal cliché

Panic across the international werewolf and witch communities this Hallowe’en as news emerged of a series of astonishing discoveries by amateur treasure hunters. The first came as Mr Doug Argent, out enjoying an autumnal afternoon with his metal detector, unearthed a mysterious old box containing mostly old brass and lead bullets. But there was also a particularly shiny piece of ammunition that caught his eye. Mr Argent takes up the story: “To be honest with you”, he clarified (because seemingly, like many others, his default state is to tell untruths to most people) “at first I thought it was probably pewter so was I saying to myself that this wasn’t a silver bullet, and everyone I asked was saying the same.  But then I looked closer and I could see that really it WAS silver. This is without doubt a silver bullet”.  The find attracted particular attention thanks to its astonishing timing, coming as it did just two days before the world’s witches and werewolves come out for their annual Hallowe’en rampage – and of course they are all aware that a single such bullet could be fatal for them. But no sooner had the hoard been confirmed than reports began pouring in of potential silver bullets being discovered all over the country, their finders not slow to boast of the power of their treasure. Needless to say this potential threat has sent the witch and werewolf media into a frenzy of hype and fear-spreading rumour; it has even been suggested that such bullets may miraculously solve global climate change as well as destroying monsters.

The association representing the small but dedicated subgroup of treasure hunters who are also witch hunters was said to be astounded by the series of discoveries, as many had thought of such bullets as the Holy Grail for treasure hunters; but this claim is disputed by those suggesting this revered term should be better reserved for the fabled Grail itself. One expert commentator stated that these events represent a “tipping point” but this was not available for satire because nobody really understands what he means by it.  It is however feasible that this could be the tip of the iceberg that leads to a sea-change in public opinion, although it is quite likely that the latter will only in fact occur when all of the former melt, tips and all*.

The story is reminiscent of a tale that set the Gold Standard for heart-warming anecdotes in the world’s press several years ago, involving a Mr Babar Tembo in Kenya, who saved his wife and children from near certain death when he turned around during a heated family discussion to discover that an angry lone bull elephant had somehow found its way, hitherto unnoticed, into their small living room. Showing complete disregard for his own safety, he fearlessly stood up to the enormous pachyderm cliché and chased it, screaming and shouting, out of his village and off into a nearby sunset.


*(along with land-based ice melt and seawater expanding with increased temperature, of course)


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