Posted by: carbonara | May 2, 2011

US forces finally assassinate Kyoto Protocol

In a move that surprised the world and boosted the popularity of the US President back home, American special forces operating deep within G77 territory have finally succeeded in exterminating the Kyoto Protocol.

Nondescript conference centre where the killing is said to have taken place

Although some say that the aging Protocol was no longer the threat to American prosperity that it once was, it remained a potent symbol of a stubborn regime that for more than a decade had withstood numerous US attempts at assassination. On several occasions US Presidents tried in vain to kill the Protocol – George Bush came closest to delivering a fatal blow in 2001 – but each time the Protocol managed to rally and return to vivaciously haunt the US over its lamentable lack of participation in a worthwhile treaty.

Following a concerted  intelligence effort lasting several months, the Protocol was finally tracked down to its hiding place in a boring yet functional UN conference centre in Asia. As its international friends gradually abandoned their protection of their once-dear Protocol, US forces were left with an unexpected clear shot to the head that brought an era to a close.

Some commentators are questioning the significance of the killing, saying that it is too late and has taken to long to really be of political value. “The Protocol really mattered a few years ago”, said one expert, “but now it is not as important as it seems. Yes America has defeated an important icon of its old international foe, but sufficient momentum has built up that international action can still continue without the leadership of the late Protocol”. Other analysts maintain that the Protocol’s demise is not the momentous event that the world’s media is claiming it to be. Whilst crowds may celebrate in Washington DC, the removal of the political stigma of the protocol could open the door to greater international leadership from the US as it helps to shape a new longer-term agreement more suited to its terms.

Washington goes nuts at news of the Protocol's demise

In the meantime, conspiracy theories abound regarding the lack of proof of the elimination, leading some to claim the Protocol is still alive and will once again bounce back with force. This suggestion has been swiftly countered by the White House, saying that the remains of the Protocol were disposed of at sea. The International Maritime Organization (IMO), who had until this point stubbornly managed to avoid all contact with the Protocol, was said to be aghast at this news.



  1. Done it again my friend. Hilarity ensues. Loving this latest installment 🙂

  2. RIP Kyoto. Ironically it was designed by the Americans…

  3. À classic!! Loving ecohustlers comment as weLl hahaha

  4. @ecohustler, you’re so right that I missed a fat slug of irony there – the US supporting something at the outset only to turn against it later…surely not?

  5. Brilliant. Very funny – thanks.

  6. Dear Low Carbonara, I have been reading through the sector specific guidance for allocation in Phase III. It seems incredibly complicated and at risk of disaster. Perhaps because I am not an engineer. Still, its complexity might be a good source of humour. Any chance of a blog posting on this?

    • Dear Mr Bustard, I had a look at the guidelines but I am finding them beyond even the driest humour. But perhaps that’s because I, too, am not an engineer…

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