Posted by: carbonara | June 19, 2012

Rio+20 summit: nations try to agree on everything, all at once

Despite disappointment over the absence of many Heads of State, one particularly senior representative is seen here looking down over events

Heads of State from small vulnerable countries are meeting with middle-ranking ministers from big polluting nations in Rio de Janeiro this week in an attempt to secure the future of the world by agreeing on everything imaginable, all at once.  UN bureaucrats have steered country officials through months of preliminary negotiations by downloading the entire content of Wikipedia and seeking agreement from all countries on all articles. In alphabetical order. From the beginning.

Going into the high level segment this week, observers are appalled that only 154 of the 3900000 articles have yet been agreed, with delegates having spent an entire week of negotiations debating the native distribution of the aardvark and the specification and origins of the AAA battery.  One exasperated delegate commented, “at this rate we’ll never even get close to negotiating the woolly definition of “green economy”. Some still see it as an economy in an acute state of envy, such as when the Greeks look at Germany”.
Looking ahead to the arrival of ministers, many have criticised the Heads of State of major economic powers for not attending in person. Asked if he would be going to Rio, President Obama reportedly said “Are you kidding me? I tried doing that green shit back in Copenhagen in 2009 and look what happened in the mid-terms!” He continued , “it’s ok though, that English guy will go, what’s he called again? James Cameron?”
British Prime Minister David Cameron later said that whilst he contemplated a trip to Brazil to enjoy the beach at Copacabana, it was not just not feasible at this time of year to spend so much time away from the tennis court at his country residence, Chequers.

Image rumoured to be a leaked version of the Brazilian text that will undoubtedly save the world from environmental destruction

As the seconds tick away before the frantic few days that the leaders and middle-ranking ministers will be in town expecting to sign a document, the Brazilian hosts have tried to steer delegates away from attempting to agree the several million articles that are still controversial. Instead, they have gone for an elegant yet unprecedented solution by employing a super-computer to come up with an outcome document to the summit that will contain the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and sustainable development in 42 pages or less.
 It remains to be seen whether the world’s politicians will be convinced by their hosts’ time-saving proposal.

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